Lately I’ve been trying to figure myself out. For a good amount of years I have been dipping on and off into a pit of misery, spending time in it, or near it, never really getting quite far from it. I haven’t always been like that though. I remember a time when I was happy and relaxed about things, and now, for first time in a long long loooong time I’ve began to feel like that again.
I am still not quite sure what has happened, but there are a few things I can pinpoint. Point number one: I used to care less of what other people think. When I was a kid and in my early teens I didn’t give a fuck. Not in a sense that I was some kind of a little anarchist asshole, but in a sense that I was curious and loved to explore things and make things and create things and that made me happy. There was a freedom to it, and a sense of ease.
Obviously I wasn’t thinking about paying rent and feeding myself, so those stresses didn’t exist for me, but there was something much more deeper. There was a kind of innocence and naivety to everything. Everything was new and I didn’t have much experience in anything. At some point my view of the world grew boring and dull and beige and I lost the spirit of adventure.
Which brings be to point number to: I got bored. I think that mainly comes down to trying to fit in and trying to be what I perceived a responsible adult to be. And OF COURSE that didn’t work and I began to rebel against myself and acting destructively: I began drinking, binging, neglecting myself and molding myself into what I believed I should be. I tried to become part of the mass, I tried to fit in. I tried to push myself into something that didn’t quite fit, instead of looking at it and finding ways to make things fit for me. I became preoccupied with forcing myself to change and began to push people away.
Point number three: dating the wrong people. It started off with someone that didn’t seem to think I was cool. Or rather, they weren’t confident within themselves so they had to crush the person near them who was. I don’t think they did it on purpose, I think that’s just how teenage relationships are like sometimes, but I now notice that during that relationship I began to change. A lot. I think I felt restricted and I began to deny myself things which led to more and more rebelling. I didn’t want to lash out on other people, because I didn’t want to hurt them, so instead I hurt myself. I think that was the time when I began to have this sense that there was a certain way to be, and I just hadn’t figured it out.
I don’t want to say that I was perfect in my romantic relationships (and friendships too), but I think I definitely lacked some self awareness. I wasn’t honest with myself. Thinking back, there are some relationships that just baffle me: How and why did they even began? And how and why they kept going when CLEARLY they didn’t function at all? I remember being in relationships and thinking to myself: ”this is a bit boring/shit/horrible/I want this to be over” and doing absolutely nothing about it. I think it was part of the bigger reality of hurting myself: not allowing myself have and develop healthy and meaningful relationships.
Point number four: I became serious. Or more importantly, I thought that’s how I should be. I lost a lot of my natural joyousness in my late teens and early twenties. I feel like I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out how to be and forgot to JUST BE. I’m angry and frustrated about the idea that I could have spent all this time enjoying things fully rather than wasting my time being miserable and worrying about stupid shit and faff.
I’ve realized that I just need to fucking relax and do shit I like. There is always going to be obligations and boring stuff that I can’t escape but I need to listen to myself and let myself be in the moment and not plan every moment of every day. I feel like I’ve been in a deep hole and I’ll have to exhaust all the energy I have left in me to fight myself out of here.
I love this kind of anger. It makes me feel powerful.
F U C K Y E S,