I’m not sure what it is exactly that I want to say. There is a thought brewing in my mind, but it is still not quite in a form that is an image or a string of words. It is a feeling of something emerging.
It is a rush.
It is a crashing wave.
It is storm clouds forming inside me waiting for a release.
I feel as if there is an unexplored power within me, waiting to be tapped into. Like a pool of clear water, nurturing, creative, life-giving, forever flowing…
I am deep wilderness
I am mountains
I am open sky
I am a haunting echo
Inside me there is an energy, bursting, sometimes only flickering, burning, burning, burning… Sometimes I melt into oneness with all.
Lately, I’ve spent a huge amount of time reflecting. It has been a time to just allowing myself to be and let things fall into place. This all began a month or so ago when I began studying a course on counselling and psychotherapy. Most of the course so far has centered around personal development and so I’ve had to reflect on different parts of myself and to start to develop a more well rounded and deeper understanding of my thoughts and my being.
The most insightful exercise on the course has been, not surprisingly, writing a reflective journal. I’m one of those people who has been journaling on and off since always. However, before now I never quite new how to journal. I used to record events and mundane stuff rather than feelings and emotions. I guess I was paranoid about someone reading my diary and laughing at me. But that fear has made me miss out on whatever this wonderful feeling I have now is!
I have always been a quite closed and private person. Partly, because I prefer to be and partly because of some kind of fear around opening up to people and being vulnerable. Also, I tend to gravitate towards being the listener and helper in many situations and relationships so I suppose I don’t have much practice in letting others in. Because I’ve realized now that this privateness in partly to do with fear, it has started to really annoy me.
The biggest shifts in my life have happened when I’ve done something scary. Things that seem impossible to do, but which excite me somewhere in my core. I haven’t done anything like that in a long while, so no wonder this opening up thing seems so delicious and sweet. I’ve began to implement this, first of all, by being honest with myself and spending time reflecting and not running away. Secondly, I’ve made an effort to open up to the people in my life and tried to let them in on my being in an emotional level. Thirdly, I’ve decided that I’d also experiment on voicing my thoughts online. The third one is the superficially scariest one: it feels like I’m putting myself out there for everyone to look at and to laugh at and to ridicule! However, the first and the second are the most important ones.
It’s quite difficult being honest with yourself. There are so many experiences, learnt behaviours, thought patterns and so on that colour every moment and every decision. I’d like to learn to see past those things and observe my mind’s occurrences without judgement. I think that there is a path to that and I am on it travelling slow and steady. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.
I would like to share a video journal entry I filmed a couple of days ago. I’ve filmed myself talking before to gain a perspective on things, but I’ve never shared any of it, in the same way I’ve never shown any of my journalling to anyone ever. Until now, it has seemed like something that would be way too intimate to share.
I find it hard to talk about my art practice. It feels as if I’ve forgotten all the words and I suddenly need to hide. And stay hidden. Forever. It’s the thing that makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. Not the doing of the art but the talking about the art.
For me, art is an exploration of things I cannot yet explain. It’s a way for me to make sense of things, a way to organize my thoughts, it’s a process of piecing things together without knowing what the end result will be. It makes me feel more exposed than anything else in the world.
At the moment I’m in this weird liminal space where I find myself to be terrified of the idea of sharing anything with anyone. But at the same time I’m more or less consistently putting stuff online. I’m just not telling anyone about it as if it’s like I’m doing something that I’m not supposed to. I have not yet identified why I feel the way I do. I suppose in a way this is a sort of a time capsule that I can come back to and reflect on the past.
We shall see…
Something to note too: this draft stayed as a draft for quite some time, didn’t think I’d put it out there, did think about deleting the whole thing.