Rebel!

Why did we create a world where nobody seems to fit in?

Or perhaps a better question would be

How?

I’ve never felt like there’s is a place or a purpose for me. No path offered has seemed right, no journey has taken me anywhere. I began to suspect: (a) I can’t be the only one (b) it’s not just me/us, it’s the system and the structure.

Made to believe
things to achieve
rules to follow
ways to behave
lies to tell yourself

But now
so much
to un ta n gle

relearn
unlearn
deconstruct
analyze
set free
resist
rebel
fight
allow

I’m struggling to make sense of all this. I know instinctually and intellectually that there is something that I am getting at, but the realization of it seems to be yet out of reach. It feels so vast to grasp. And I feel so helplessly tiny.

But then again
a revolution
can be small.



On inner peace

Today I feel peaceful. That doesn’t mean there isn’t an inner turmoil and an array of fears and worries lurking about, but rather, I find myself to be floating with and within them. I could very easily get tangled up in a few of them and allow myself to be dragged down by them. There are things I could do, should have done and things I’ve put aside for far too long.

But today I am at peace. For me, it means detaching myself from all the tangles and letting them be. I am not denying their presence, not pretending that they are not there: they simply are. Sometimes they seem to be quite close to me, sometimes a bit further, sometimes I forget that they are there!

Tomorrow, all the worries might have taken over, and it might feel like the peace I feel today doesn’t exist. But I’ll see to it, when the time comes.

I used to think that when I cultivate inner peace, I would feel lovely and peaceful all the time. I’ve now come to realize that this is simply not true. Everything in life and in the world is in constant change, including my inner landscape. That being said, I wonder if in time, the ratio of feeling peaceful compared to feeling chaotic will become different. If I spend more time observing, reflecting and meditating, will there be more time I spend feeling peaceful?

There are things that worry me. Some are smaller, personal things, some bigger, global ones. I don’t think there is ever going to be a time when I will stop worrying. But somehow I think that the feel of the worries will change. Perhaps it is my perception that will change.

I don’t think I have the answer yet but I think I will keep searching.

Love,
Tiina