A ramble about growing up and wasting time

Lately I’ve been trying to figure myself out. For a good amount of years I have been dipping on and off into a pit of misery, spending time in it, or near it, never really getting quite far from it. I haven’t always been like that though. I remember a time when I was happy and relaxed about things, and now, for first time in a long long loooong time I’ve began to feel like that again.

I am still not quite sure what has happened, but there are a few things I can pinpoint. Point number one: I used to care less of what other people think. When I was a kid and in my early teens I didn’t give a fuck. Not in a sense that I was some kind of a little anarchist asshole, but in a sense that I was curious and loved to explore things and make things and create things and that made me happy. There was a freedom to it, and a sense of ease.

Obviously I wasn’t thinking about paying rent and feeding myself, so those stresses didn’t exist for me, but there was something much more deeper. There was a kind of innocence and naivety to everything. Everything was new and I didn’t have much experience in anything. At some point my view of the world grew boring and dull and beige and I lost the spirit of adventure.

Which brings be to point number to: I got bored. I think that mainly comes down to trying to fit in and trying to be what I perceived a responsible adult to be. And OF COURSE that didn’t work and I began to rebel against myself and acting destructively: I began drinking, binging, neglecting myself and molding myself into what I believed I should be. I tried to become part of the mass, I tried to fit in. I tried to push myself into something that didn’t quite fit, instead of looking at it and finding ways to make things fit for me. I became preoccupied with forcing myself to change and began to push people away.

Point number three: dating the wrong people. It started off with someone that didn’t seem to think I was cool. Or rather, they weren’t confident within themselves so they had to crush the person near them who was. I don’t think they did it on purpose, I think that’s just how teenage relationships are like sometimes, but I now notice that during that relationship I began to change. A lot. I think I felt restricted and I began to deny myself things which led to more and more rebelling. I didn’t want to lash out on other people, because I didn’t want to hurt them, so instead I hurt myself. I think that was the time when I began to have this sense that there was a certain way to be, and I just hadn’t figured it out.

I don’t want to say that I was perfect in my romantic relationships (and friendships too), but I think I definitely lacked some self awareness. I wasn’t honest with myself. Thinking back, there are some relationships that just baffle me: How and why did they even began? And how and why they kept going when CLEARLY they didn’t function at all? I remember being in relationships and thinking to myself: ”this is a bit boring/shit/horrible/I want this to be over” and doing absolutely nothing about it. I think it was part of the bigger reality of hurting myself: not allowing myself have and develop healthy and meaningful relationships.

Point number four: I became serious. Or more importantly, I thought that’s how I should be. I lost a lot of my natural joyousness in my late teens and early twenties. I feel like I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out how to be and forgot to JUST BE. I’m angry and frustrated about the idea that I could have spent all this time enjoying things fully rather than wasting my time being miserable and worrying about stupid shit and faff.

I’ve realized that I just need to fucking relax and do shit I like. There is always going to be obligations and boring stuff that I can’t escape but I need to listen to myself and let myself be in the moment and not plan every moment of every day. I feel like I’ve been in a deep hole and I’ll have to exhaust all the energy I have left in me to fight myself out of here.

I love this kind of anger. It makes me feel powerful.

F U C K Y E S,

Tiina

Nightmares

I dream
a disturbing
vision

I have to become someone else, distort myself, hide myself, alter, transform, I’m not good enough. I can’t reveal myself as myself. Conform. Keep everything in, guard it, don’t let it be seen, even when I just want to scream and cry and make a mess, destroy, get angry.

I don’t allow myself to be visible.

Let me be
let me be
let me be
let me be

The thoughts
run wild
but on the outside
smooth surface
no waves

i must be bad
i must be worthless
i must be wrong
i must be broken
otherwise wouldn’t I be different?

I don’t understand why I seem to think that there is a way to be and that inherently, I must have misunderstood everything. As if there was a right way, as if there was a set future, as if I should be upside down.

All I misunderstand is that there is an understanding.

There is nothing
if I allow there to be nothing.

I’ve tricked myself into thinking
that things matter
and I still
live in my
dream.

Dust

There are days when
I can feel myself
sinking
irresistible pull
towards
what I’d rather avoid

I don’t mean to be
awful
on purpose
and I suppose


I’m not

but going through
conversations
in my head
I pick apart
every word
every intention

and I convince myself

of my sickness

I zoom in and out
simultaneously
and I see myself
become invisible

If I can’t be seen
could I
permanently
disappear?
and if I were to be
erased

where do
the particles that make me
me
disperse?

Rebel!

Why did we create a world where nobody seems to fit in?

Or perhaps a better question would be

How?

I’ve never felt like there’s is a place or a purpose for me. No path offered has seemed right, no journey has taken me anywhere. I began to suspect: (a) I can’t be the only one (b) it’s not just me/us, it’s the system and the structure.

Made to believe
things to achieve
rules to follow
ways to behave
lies to tell yourself

But now
so much
to un ta n gle

relearn
unlearn
deconstruct
analyze
set free
resist
rebel
fight
allow

I’m struggling to make sense of all this. I know instinctually and intellectually that there is something that I am getting at, but the realization of it seems to be yet out of reach. It feels so vast to grasp. And I feel so helplessly tiny.

But then again
a revolution
can be small.



Meditations

My thoughts
like wild animals
don’t come out
if they know
I’m watching

Could my intentions
be perceived
infinitely
differently?

A ladder to the sky,

I cannot control
perceptions
I am different
entity
in each
passing
moment

I inside
my mind
I find
I try to see
my unseen
hiding from myself –

A box of tissues
somebody has been ill
or crying
here.

I’m well
prepared
I thought
but the truth is
I know not of
the passage
of time.

On inner peace

Today I feel peaceful. That doesn’t mean there isn’t an inner turmoil and an array of fears and worries lurking about, but rather, I find myself to be floating with and within them. I could very easily get tangled up in a few of them and allow myself to be dragged down by them. There are things I could do, should have done and things I’ve put aside for far too long.

But today I am at peace. For me, it means detaching myself from all the tangles and letting them be. I am not denying their presence, not pretending that they are not there: they simply are. Sometimes they seem to be quite close to me, sometimes a bit further, sometimes I forget that they are there!

Tomorrow, all the worries might have taken over, and it might feel like the peace I feel today doesn’t exist. But I’ll see to it, when the time comes.

I used to think that when I cultivate inner peace, I would feel lovely and peaceful all the time. I’ve now come to realize that this is simply not true. Everything in life and in the world is in constant change, including my inner landscape. That being said, I wonder if in time, the ratio of feeling peaceful compared to feeling chaotic will become different. If I spend more time observing, reflecting and meditating, will there be more time I spend feeling peaceful?

There are things that worry me. Some are smaller, personal things, some bigger, global ones. I don’t think there is ever going to be a time when I will stop worrying. But somehow I think that the feel of the worries will change. Perhaps it is my perception that will change.

I don’t think I have the answer yet but I think I will keep searching.

Love,
Tiina

On reflection and being brave

Lately, I’ve spent a huge amount of time reflecting. It has been a time to just allowing myself to be and let things fall into place. This all began a month or so ago when I began studying a course on counselling and psychotherapy. Most of the course so far has centered around personal development and so I’ve had to reflect on different parts of myself and to start to develop a more well rounded and deeper understanding of my thoughts and my being.

The most insightful exercise on the course has been, not surprisingly, writing a reflective journal. I’m one of those people who has been journaling on and off since always. However, before now I never quite new how to journal. I used to record events and mundane stuff rather than feelings and emotions. I guess I was paranoid about someone reading my diary and laughing at me. But that fear has made me miss out on whatever this wonderful feeling I have now is!

I have always been a quite closed and private person. Partly, because I prefer to be and partly because of some kind of fear around opening up to people and being vulnerable. Also, I tend to gravitate towards being the listener and helper in many situations and relationships so I suppose I don’t have much practice in letting others in. Because I’ve realized now that this privateness in partly to do with fear, it has started to really annoy me.

The biggest shifts in my life have happened when I’ve done something scary. Things that seem impossible to do, but which excite me somewhere in my core. I haven’t done anything like that in a long while, so no wonder this opening up thing seems so delicious and sweet. I’ve began to implement this, first of all, by being honest with myself and spending time reflecting and not running away. Secondly, I’ve made an effort to open up to the people in my life and tried to let them in on my being in an emotional level. Thirdly, I’ve decided that I’d also experiment on voicing my thoughts online. The third one is the superficially scariest one: it feels like I’m putting myself out there for everyone to look at and to laugh at and to ridicule! However, the first and the second are the most important ones.

It’s quite difficult being honest with yourself. There are so many experiences, learnt behaviours, thought patterns and so on that colour every moment and every decision. I’d like to learn to see past those things and observe my mind’s occurrences without judgement. I think that there is a path to that and I am on it travelling slow and steady. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

I would like to share a video journal entry I filmed a couple of days ago. I’ve filmed myself talking before to gain a perspective on things, but I’ve never shared any of it, in the same way I’ve never shown any of my journalling to anyone ever. Until now, it has seemed like something that would be way too intimate to share.

Love,
Tiina