Nightmares

I dream
a disturbing
vision

I have to become someone else, distort myself, hide myself, alter, transform, I’m not good enough. I can’t reveal myself as myself. Conform. Keep everything in, guard it, don’t let it be seen, even when I just want to scream and cry and make a mess, destroy, get angry.

I don’t allow myself to be visible.

Let me be
let me be
let me be
let me be

The thoughts
run wild
but on the outside
smooth surface
no waves

i must be bad
i must be worthless
i must be wrong
i must be broken
otherwise wouldn’t I be different?

I don’t understand why I seem to think that there is a way to be and that inherently, I must have misunderstood everything. As if there was a right way, as if there was a set future, as if I should be upside down.

All I misunderstand is that there is an understanding.

There is nothing
if I allow there to be nothing.

I’ve tricked myself into thinking
that things matter
and I still
live in my
dream.

Rebel!

Why did we create a world where nobody seems to fit in?

Or perhaps a better question would be

How?

I’ve never felt like there’s is a place or a purpose for me. No path offered has seemed right, no journey has taken me anywhere. I began to suspect: (a) I can’t be the only one (b) it’s not just me/us, it’s the system and the structure.

Made to believe
things to achieve
rules to follow
ways to behave
lies to tell yourself

But now
so much
to un ta n gle

relearn
unlearn
deconstruct
analyze
set free
resist
rebel
fight
allow

I’m struggling to make sense of all this. I know instinctually and intellectually that there is something that I am getting at, but the realization of it seems to be yet out of reach. It feels so vast to grasp. And I feel so helplessly tiny.

But then again
a revolution
can be small.