I have to become someone else, distort myself, hide myself, alter, transform, I’m not good enough. I can’t reveal myself as myself. Conform. Keep everything in, guard it, don’t let it be seen, even when I just want to scream and cry and make a mess, destroy, get angry.
I don’t allow myself to be visible.
Let me be let me be let me be let me be
The thoughts run wild but on the outside smooth surface no waves
i must be bad i must be worthless i must be wrong i must be broken otherwise wouldn’t I be different?
I don’t understand why I seem to think that there is a way to be and that inherently, I must have misunderstood everything. As if there was a right way, as if there was a set future, as if I should be upside down.
All I misunderstand is that there is an understanding.
There is nothing if I allow there to be nothing.
I’ve tricked myself into thinking that things matter and I still live in my dream.
Why did we create a world where nobody seems to fit in?
Or perhaps a better question would be
I’ve never felt like there’s is a place or a purpose for me. No path offered has seemed right, no journey has taken me anywhere. I began to suspect: (a) I can’t be the only one (b) it’s not just me/us, it’s the system and the structure.
Made to believe things to achieve rules to follow ways to behave lies to tell yourself
But now so much to un ta n gle
relearn unlearn deconstruct analyze set free resist rebel fight allow
I’m struggling to make sense of all this. I know instinctually and intellectually that there is something that I am getting at, but the realization of it seems to be yet out of reach. It feels so vast to grasp. And I feel so helplessly tiny.
Today I feel peaceful. That doesn’t mean there isn’t an inner turmoil and an array of fears and worries lurking about, but rather, I find myself to be floating with and within them. I could very easily get tangled up in a few of them and allow myself to be dragged down by them. There are things I could do, should have done and things I’ve put aside for far too long.
But today I am at peace. For me, it means detaching myself from all the tangles and letting them be. I am not denying their presence, not pretending that they are not there: they simply are. Sometimes they seem to be quite close to me, sometimes a bit further, sometimes I forget that they are there!
Tomorrow, all the worries might have taken over, and it might feel like the peace I feel today doesn’t exist. But I’ll see to it, when the time comes.
I used to think that when I cultivate inner peace, I would feel lovely and peaceful all the time. I’ve now come to realize that this is simply not true. Everything in life and in the world is in constant change, including my inner landscape. That being said, I wonder if in time, the ratio of feeling peaceful compared to feeling chaotic will become different. If I spend more time observing, reflecting and meditating, will there be more time I spend feeling peaceful?
There are things that worry me. Some are smaller, personal things, some bigger, global ones. I don’t think there is ever going to be a time when I will stop worrying. But somehow I think that the feel of the worries will change. Perhaps it is my perception that will change.
I don’t think I have the answer yet but I think I will keep searching.
Lately, I’ve spent a huge amount of time reflecting. It has been a time to just allowing myself to be and let things fall into place. This all began a month or so ago when I began studying a course on counselling and psychotherapy. Most of the course so far has centered around personal development and so I’ve had to reflect on different parts of myself and to start to develop a more well rounded and deeper understanding of my thoughts and my being.
The most insightful exercise on the course has been, not surprisingly, writing a reflective journal. I’m one of those people who has been journaling on and off since always. However, before now I never quite new how to journal. I used to record events and mundane stuff rather than feelings and emotions. I guess I was paranoid about someone reading my diary and laughing at me. But that fear has made me miss out on whatever this wonderful feeling I have now is!
I have always been a quite closed and private person. Partly, because I prefer to be and partly because of some kind of fear around opening up to people and being vulnerable. Also, I tend to gravitate towards being the listener and helper in many situations and relationships so I suppose I don’t have much practice in letting others in. Because I’ve realized now that this privateness in partly to do with fear, it has started to really annoy me.
The biggest shifts in my life have happened when I’ve done something scary. Things that seem impossible to do, but which excite me somewhere in my core. I haven’t done anything like that in a long while, so no wonder this opening up thing seems so delicious and sweet. I’ve began to implement this, first of all, by being honest with myself and spending time reflecting and not running away. Secondly, I’ve made an effort to open up to the people in my life and tried to let them in on my being in an emotional level. Thirdly, I’ve decided that I’d also experiment on voicing my thoughts online. The third one is the superficially scariest one: it feels like I’m putting myself out there for everyone to look at and to laugh at and to ridicule! However, the first and the second are the most important ones.
It’s quite difficult being honest with yourself. There are so many experiences, learnt behaviours, thought patterns and so on that colour every moment and every decision. I’d like to learn to see past those things and observe my mind’s occurrences without judgement. I think that there is a path to that and I am on it travelling slow and steady. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.
I would like to share a video journal entry I filmed a couple of days ago. I’ve filmed myself talking before to gain a perspective on things, but I’ve never shared any of it, in the same way I’ve never shown any of my journalling to anyone ever. Until now, it has seemed like something that would be way too intimate to share.