I dream
a disturbing
vision
I have to become someone else, distort myself, hide myself, alter, transform, I’m not good enough. I can’t reveal myself as myself. Conform. Keep everything in, guard it, don’t let it be seen, even when I just want to scream and cry and make a mess, destroy, get angry.
I don’t allow myself to be visible.
Let me be
let me be
let me be
let me be
The thoughts
run wild
but on the outside
smooth surface
no waves
i must be bad
i must be worthless
i must be wrong
i must be broken
otherwise wouldn’t I be different?
I don’t understand why I seem to think that there is a way to be and that inherently, I must have misunderstood everything. As if there was a right way, as if there was a set future, as if I should be upside down.
All I misunderstand is that there is an understanding.
There is nothing
if I allow there to be nothing.
I’ve tricked myself into thinking
that things matter
and I still
live in my
dream.