Nightmares

I dream
a disturbing
vision

I have to become someone else, distort myself, hide myself, alter, transform, I’m not good enough. I can’t reveal myself as myself. Conform. Keep everything in, guard it, don’t let it be seen, even when I just want to scream and cry and make a mess, destroy, get angry.

I don’t allow myself to be visible.

Let me be
let me be
let me be
let me be

The thoughts
run wild
but on the outside
smooth surface
no waves

i must be bad
i must be worthless
i must be wrong
i must be broken
otherwise wouldn’t I be different?

I don’t understand why I seem to think that there is a way to be and that inherently, I must have misunderstood everything. As if there was a right way, as if there was a set future, as if I should be upside down.

All I misunderstand is that there is an understanding.

There is nothing
if I allow there to be nothing.

I’ve tricked myself into thinking
that things matter
and I still
live in my
dream.

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